…and it is:

JMixx

Congratulations! With your delightful combination of evil appliances, cultish dictators, and bleakness, how could you lose? A robot will be storming through your front door any minute now. Sorry about that.

Here’s the original contest photo, and the winning caption.

“All Hail Range! Range is our Leader, Father, and Protector!”

This was the common salutation in the “Home on the Range Collective,” which demonstrated all the characteristics of a cult. Initially brought together by the passionate, heated rhetoric of Range, the cult ended in tragedy after Range’s warped interpretations of passages from The Joy of Cooking led him to preach to his followers that the proliferation of fast food drive-thrus, Chinese take-aways, and delis were “plagues” signifying the “End Times.” Ultimately, he told followers that the only way to remain pure was to “unplug.” Although Blender’s insides were churning, and Fridge was cold with fear, all of the other kitchen appliances obediently dropped down through the trapdoor. Once they were in the basement, Range unplugged them all, including his own sons, Toaster and Waffle Iron.

As is typical of megalomaniacal cult leaders, Range himself did not commit suicide, but waited defiantly on his pedestal, warning that any who tried to get him to “turn on” to the new culture would “get burned.” Ultimately, however, he burned out, and the only reason the events are known at all was that Air Freshener was left behind, instructed to tell any who asked that he was “scent to tell the tale, that the truth would not be mist.”

Honorable mentions, which means nothing but bragging rights, sorry, in no particular order, to: Jan, Elisabeth, Toni,  Otepoti,  Amanda, and Evan.

My sincere thanks to everyone who entered, the fine people at Shelter Pop, and to iRobot. Mwah!

So… much… wood paneling. Do you think it’s structural?

Check this out:

Man, that stereo system is state-of-the-art circa 1968. But I do not judge –  my stereo (as I call it, for I am old) is hooked up to the speakers my parents bought just around that same time. The screen on them is gold. And they still work. Thank you, Consumer Reports, for recommending that particular set of speakers; they’ve held up well for over four decades, even as they’ve irritated various audiophile housemates. My point being that this might be a perfect acceptable stereo system, so long as you still have your records and reel-to-reel tapes.

More wood. How much more wood can the house take? And why didn’t they do the ceiling? Slackers.

Tee hee. The house is on Pine Street. Tee hee. Lookee! There, in the corner! More wood, just waiting for you to move in and put it somewhere. The windows? The floors? Your car? Have at it, kids.

Found by: Giordana

P.S. I’ll be putting up the contest winner just as soon as the babysitter gets here and I — uh, I mean the panel of judges — has a chance to read all the entries.

Loveliest comment, by Cellar Door: It’s like a pedal steel guitarists convention in there.

(Every steel guitar player has a picture of himself in front of wood paneling. It’s a mystery why, but it’s true.)

When I saw these photos I was all set to get out my excellent Photoshop skills and put on a label saying that tube in the middle photo was a water slide from some other room. But no, I can’t do that. Why not? Because IT ACTUALLY IS. IT’S A WATER SLIDE GOING FROM THE MASTER BEDROOM TO THE POOL.

Why don’t all houses have water slides dumping you straight from your bedroom into your pool? Sure, it sounds fancy and bizarre, but think about it — a century ago if you told people that in the future we’d all be pooping in closets in our houses and liking it… wait. Let me start that over.

Take two: if you time traveled back a century and told people that in the year 2010 we all have indoor plumbing in the developed world, they’d be surprised, right? But it’s gone from being just for the rich to completely standard. (Note: I have done no research and this is all based on faint memories of The Great Brain books.) So why can’t indoor water slides be completely standard, too? And why can’t we not bother waiting until 2110, but get them now?

I have seen the future and it is indoor water slides. I can’t wait.
Found by: Gert

Loveliest comment, by Angel: Oh, the humidity!

“Resale (occupied at least once)” says the listing. Why  yes, I think we can safely say that the house has at some point — and that point is right now — been occupied.
Found by: Cindy

Loveliest comment, by Anodean: Parents, be honest: How many times have you dreamed of moving away while your teenager was asleep? It’s universal, and probably would be good for them. If the buyer complains, tell them you’ve got no idea how it got in there, talk to the Realtor, the place was empty when you left.

An open door. How… inviting? Let’s go in.

Hellooo?

Whoops! Sorry, Chair. Didn’t mean to interrupt. We’ll just go wait out in the opal mine. Come on out when you’re ready.
Found by: Paislie