2BR/2BA condo. Kitchen features stainless steel appliances, prosciutto counters, head-cheese floors, double sink with hot and cold running bacon. Jews, Muslims, and fruitarians will need to fill out an additional waiver (see Realtor’s remarks for details).

 Loveliest comment, by Jano: What kind of jerky design is this?

And this is where the dog sleeps, and this is where the dog decided to paint the kitchen red. Good dog.

Found by: Gabe

This agariciform two bedroom, three bathroom house in Dagobah, Minnesota is in need of repairs, says the listing, but do not worry! Let the local preschoolers run rampant, each brandishing a tube or six of Betty Crocker vanilla frosting, and you’ll have the house respackled in no time. Just don’t let the kids lick the walls; those trans fats could kill a horse.

Found by: Roma

Loveliest comment, by Stuart: You could paint the interior walls black and teach your children about emphysema.

(Edit: Modesty Chair inserted to protect the innocent. Click on the photo above to see all the glory.)

These aren’t from my house, I promise, but I swear, if my kids complain ONE MORE TIME about the dinner that I made for them, I am going to GO OFF THE DEEP END AND I’M TAKING THE HOUSE WITH ME. I can just picture some poor Minnesotan housewife at the sink, scrubbing the dishes after serving hotdish that she slaved over and once again nobody said “thank you” or carried their plates to the counter or appreciated her in any way and so she reached down to the spray paint she’d originally bought to touch up the rust spots on the patio furniture and clinka-clinka-clinka PSSSSSTTTTTTTTT RUN KIDS RUN MAMA’S GOT THE SPRAY PAINT RUN

Found by: Gabe

Loveliest comment, by Quark: I get the impresssion that there is a turf-war going on in that house … and it’s not with what cutlery and pans go in which drawers.

(in which I reuse old posts for educational purposes)

1. Flush the toilet.

(original post)

2. Put your pants back on before taking the photo.

(original post)

3. Clean up if the house isn’t in good shape. Vaseline on the lens is not the answer.

(original post)

4. Look, we presume there’s a toilet. We don’t need to see it.

(original post)

5. No, really. “Pants on” is a pretty basic rule when it comes to real estate agents at work.

(original post)

6. New toilets don’t cost that much. Maybe you should buy one, if they’re that important to you.

(original post)

7. Keep the photos relevant. I’m sure your pets are charming but, unless they transfer, don’t include them in the listing.

(original post)

8. How’s this for a compromise: include a photo of the toilet only if it’s not where one might logically expect to find it.

(original post)

9. You’re going to keep on using toilet photos, aren’t you? I give up. Is there a support group you could join? Maybe you should start one. You could meet here:

(original post)

Thanks for an excellent year, real estate agents! I couldn’t do it without you. And remember…

10. …it never hurts to include a photo of Chair.

Should I even bother trying to come up with a Uristat joke, or is that just too obscure?

Found By: Megan

Forgot to take your contacts out last night, did you?

Found by: Gabe

Loveliest comment, by Fanboy Wife: No, no, this is really how the house looks. Their interior designer was an Impressionist.

Hah! That should keep the pesky canvassers away. No, I don’t have a minute for Greenpeace! No, I am not interested in buying your cookies! No, I am not interested in what will happen to my eternal soul! And no, I do not need new windows installed! I would slam the door… if I had one.

Found By: Gabe

Loveliest comment, by DaveTheTallGuy: It also says it’s a low rise with “-3″ levels. Perhaps the whole property exists in some sci-fi dimension, and you can only see the windows from the other side. Just don’t put it near a building with +3 levels, or they will cancel each other out and become a vacant lot.

So when I was all, “Pants! People are putting pants in their windows!” some people were all, “no, it’s just a way of keeping out drafts, I do that all the time, that’s totally normal, this listing is fine, what’s wrong with you, go find a gross toilet for us to look at” (at least that’s how I remember things). So… HERE. UNDERWEAR. I think we can all agree that this is UNDERWEAR. Yes? UNDERWEAR.

Found By: Amy

Loveliest comment, by mindless minion: That’s my kitchen! But whose underwear is that?

Oh, Chair, I’m glad to see you’re finally getting some help. You’d sunk so low…

(Found By: Sean J)