Oh my god, with a bathroom like this I wouldn’t need the rest of the house. Just install a pneumatic tube to deliver me food and I’m a happy camper!

I’ve always wanted to shut something up by stepping on it. This clock is right up my alley.

You look better in the yard anyway.

The maintenance on these st(h)airs is just a beast! Next time we go with a shag runner.

How convenient, when the elevator full of blood opens and spills its gore, you’ll be covered.

That pillow, that one there, that’s mine. Make yourself at home!

SCENE: A 3-bedroom split level house in Madison, circa 1975

HOMEOWNER 1: Time to pick out our new carpet, honey!

HOMEOWNER 2: Let’s get something practical. Something that won’t show stains.

HOMEOWNER 1: Great idea. How about these? (PULLS OUT CARPET SAMPLES) These will certainly hide dirt. All kinds of dirt could be hidden here, yessiree!

HOMEOWNER 2: Perfect! My goodness, I hate to think how much dirt would have to be on this carpeting for the dirt to actually show up! Fortunately nobody would ever let their house get that dirty!

HOMEOWNER 1: Certainly not! That would be ridiculous.

HOMEOWNER 2: Now that we have that settled — how about some fondue?

HOMEOWNER 1: What?

HOMEOWNER 2: I don’t know, it’s just the first mid-’70s food that came to mind. Mmmm. Fondue. And we don’t have to worry if we drop it on the carpet. It can be the first of so many things we stash away here…

HOMEOWNER 1: Wait, what, now the carpet’s installed? I thought we just picked it out. This makes no sense.

HOMEOWNER 2: I know. Plus my name is “Homeowner 2″? What the hell?

HOMEOWNER 1: This is too weird. Why couldn’t we be in one of the “secretly I think this is awesome posts? I’m outta here.

HOMEOWNER 2: Wait for meeee!

Found By: Erik

Loveliest comment, by Heidi: Add like 2 more inches of shag to the orange shag, and that’s my aunt’s carpet. That she’s had for going on 40 years. And they have pets. Seriously, we could probably find enough DNA in that carpet to clone the four dogs they’ve had.

Okay… I see what they were going for there… but they could’ve done more. Nobody’s sick of my showing off my art school degree yet, right? Great! Here we go!

Ahh. Much better.

Found by: PJ Fry

Loveliest comment, by Lazlo H: I was saddened to find out that Transmorphers is not actually a transexual porn flick based on the Transformers, but is just a cheap action movie.

>inventory

You have:

a splitting headache

a real estate listing

>climb stairs

Very difficult, but you manage to climb as far as the landing. There is a glowing white statue in an alcove. The stairs continue on up into darkness.

>grab statue

Your common sense tells you not to do that.

>grab statue

You’re talking nonsense. Pull yourself together.

>grab statue

You pull on the statue. As it comes loose, there is a deafening roar. A large boulder comes falling down the stairs, headed right towards you.

>run

Did you have a particular direction in mind?

>

Found By: Sara L